My clients have found it helpful to view a separation and/or a divorce as a process that may take up to a year, sometimes longer. With good guidance from their parents, many children can grow stronger and become more resilient through this difficult process. Parents are more likely to help develop resilience in children when they can get along and co-parent harmoniously.
1. Be Honest
Your major focus before, during and after a breakup should be designed to help your kids see that they will be okay. Kids can deal with the fact that you are not getting along, they can accept that you made a mistake, and they can accept that you tried hard but need to take a break or divorce. What they can’t deal with is changing stories from their parents. For this reason, it’s important that you take your time to figure out beforehand what you and your spouse’s "one story" will be so that both of you can stick to it and provide consistency for your children. Kids can handle honesty, so be honest with them. An example of a short story might be the following:
"We love you very much. As you’ve noticed, we’ve been having a hard time living together. You know we fight sometimes, and we know that it’s been hard for you. We’ve tried hard to get along better, but we’ve decided that it’s best to live apart. We think that this will be best for everyone and that we can all learn to be okay.
We will always be here to help you, but one of us (Mom, Dad, etc.) will be moving out. We want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong and that you are each very special. This is about us, your parents.
We imagine you might have some questions today and more next week, and you can ask us questions anytime. So how do you feel about us living in two different houses? Whatever you feel is okay."
Of course, this story is just one example and needs to be tailored for each couple. Once you and your partner have figured out your story and how you’re going to deal with your children’s needs, it’s time to tell them about the separation or divorce. Arrange to tell them after something positive, like a fun family dinner. Take your time, and make sure you have privacy so you won’t be interrupted and can help your kids with their feelings.
Many spouses try a separation first to decide if a divorce is really what they want. If this is the case in your family, be honest with your kids. It’s fine to tell your kids something like -
"We have decided to live in separate houses to figure out if we can learn to get along better," but if you are planning a divorce, it’s very important not to offer false hope. Be sure to remind your children that this is a decision between parents that doesn’t involve the children.
2. Offer Reassurance
Remember that your kids don’t know how the world works, so they will need a lot of reassurance throughout the process, especially during the first several months. They will settle down as time goes on and they see that you really mean what you say.
Children will need answers to some of these and other questions:
- Where will they go to school?
- When will they see their friends?
- What will happen to the family pet (if you have one)?
- When will you be moving?
- How often will they see the parent who is leaving the house?
Some kids may have hardly any questions and others may need daily reassurance for a while until they realize that things are okay. Whatever your children’s ages, listen closely to their questions and answer them as honestly and simply as possible. Trust that they will ask more questions if you create an open environment. Consider scheduling a weekly "family talk time" so kids know they can get their concerns addressed. Arranging to have talks on the phone after one parent has left can reduce anxiety and provide a sense of continuity. It’s natural for parents to want to protect their kids from unpleasantness, but remember that change is a fact of life, and kids who are overprotected often have trouble coping well as adults.
3. Maintain Routines
Try to maintain familiar routines, including household routines and chores, as much as possible; a healthy family structure gives kids a sense of security and fosters resilience. For example, if the kids are used to going to the park on Sunday morning, try to keep this habit going. Try to maintain their after-school activities, and go the extra mile to make transportation arrangements, if necessary. I’ve seen many children, initially stressed during a separation, who are able to move on, develop new skills, and become stronger young people.
I believe that children benefit from close proximity to both parents. Although this isn’t always possible and isn’t an absolute necessity, it’s preferable that the parent who moves continues to live nearby and is easily accessible. When one parent moves to a distant location, even more care and commitment are involved. Carefully explain to your children why one parent needs to move far away and reassure them that it’s not their fault. Schedule visits and regular telephone conversations to help your children stay connected to the moving parent.
4. Offer Some Choices
As much as possible, allow your children to have a say in little things; this gives them a sense of mastery and shows them that they are valued. For example, if you’re the parent who’s moving and your children will spend some nights with you, you might ask them what color they want their bedrooms to be, how they want to arrange their bedrooms, and which friends they’d like to invite over.
Parents sometimes feel guilty about a breakup and try to make up for it by indulging their children. Indulging your child occasionally is okay, but overindulging is the last thing you want to do because overindulged children often don’t develop the resilience to master the challenges of life. Without resilience, children can develop insecurity, passivity and low self-esteem.
5. Teach Resilience Skills
Although you can’t protect your kids from the inevitable pains of life, you can teach them resilience skills such as self-discipline, the ability to handle change, the development of a wider circle of friends, the ability to give and take, and a growing sense of responsibility. Healthy people use these skills to achieve challenging goals that enhance self-esteem.
Children can and do adjust to separate households, especially when they have some of their favorite items in each home. I’ve seen many kids benefit as they see their parents becoming happier. If you eventually decide to remarry, kids are also able to adapt to stepparents. Most importantly, their self-esteem can increase as they discover that they can do more than they realized.
Some kids have more trouble than others and will need more of your time and, possibly, some professional therapy. Overall, take an approach that says, "We will get through this together," and "We love you and will be here to take care of you." Encourage your children to verbalize their worries as they move through the process. Short discussions to assuage their fears will make an enormous difference in helping children grow through the process.
6. Validate Feelings
Your children will most likely have feelings at some point during the process, and it’s very important to validate their feelings. This will help your children sort through any confusion, learn to understand themselves and become more self-aware. If your children are having trouble expressing their feelings, help them find the words. Ask them questions if they appear to be troubled, and remind them it’s healthy to have feelings and to talk about them. You might say something to your child like "I realize you are angry (or scared or sad). Tell me what you are angry about - it’s okay to be angry." Whatever your children feel is okay, and you just want to encourage them to process and express their feelings.
Remember to reiterate that the decision to separate or divorce has nothing to do with them but that it is between parents. This fact may need to be repeated over time with young children, who may conclude that they did something wrong. Reinforce the idea that "We love you and will always be part of your life."
Even though you need to separate or can’t continue to be married, your children need to know that each parent is a good person. Never let your children think that one of their parents is not okay. I’ve worked with families where the parents subconsciously pulled their children into adult problems, which can be damaging. Children can’t handle adult responsibility, and the tension can be overwhelming. Kids need to know that their parents will work together to help them and are united in their decision. This united front takes a great deal of maturity from parents who don’t necessarily feel like working as a team.
7. Be Patient
You can expect some regression in your kids at different points in the process. For example, your child may start waking up from bad dreams. Your child may want to crawl in bed with you even though he or she has outgrown this stage. In this instance, walk your child back to his or her bed, give reassurance that everything will be okay, and perhaps give your child a backrub until he or she falls asleep. Too many parents take the easy way out and let the child sleep with them. I believe that children benefit from learning that they can manage, which allows them to continue to move through a healthy process of separation and individuation.
Remember that this process may be difficult and scary in the short run, but if handled well, tough transitions can help develop resilience in children as well as parents. Make positive statements to your children like "We get through things" and "Everybody is going to be just fine," and "We will work together and help each other." The process will take some time, but kids adjust as they experience life changes. Honesty, worded in an age-appropriate manner, is the best policy and can make a tremendous difference in both the short- and long-term development of your children.
If you need more help, there are many excellent articles and books available online about helping children through separation and divorce. If you find that you need professional assistance, please contact a therapist, counselor or medical doctor. Remember there is hope, there is help and it may be just a phone call away.
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